Moving In

  October 24th 9:44 pm BKK Time

I got very sick and then I moved into my apartment. I didn’t think that I’d be able to type on here without wifi, or maybe that was just some small excuse. Either way, I spent the whole day on the phone with Christian. I have from the moment I got sick. I’m sure we’ve talked for 10 hours straight at this point. 

I’m excited to fill up these blank walls. I like the small space because I feel capable of cleaning it. Maybe Christian and I should just live in studios across from each other. I’ve started to have some more scary thoughts, I think, or rather hope, it’s from the amount of time I’ve spent doing things differently than normal, like being on the phone constantly and staying inside of a 22 sq ft space for most of the day.

I often need to ask myself, “Why you? Why would that happen to you? Why would reality shift for you? What makes you so special?” or lyrically, “I must remind myself that I am very small, or else get caught up in the nightmare.” 

Luckily I looked down after my shower and saw blood oozing down my calf. I cut myself? That never happens. Well, it didn’t, really. I shaved off the top of a bug bite. Bug bite causer? Unknown. I wanted to believe that “hard water” is a hoax; how can something wet be hard? Then I felt my hands during my shower and understood. When I tried to ask my landlord about if the shower head had a filter, I gestured my arms around myself hard and she of course thought I meant the temperature.

I went to type “land lady” and did not like that. Is lord gendered? I guess it must be. I walked to the grocery store three times today because I kept forgetting things or realizing I needed them but do not fret. It's only a two minute walk. I got some food and threw it away, I’m really not hungry. I’m hoping and thinking it’s because of all the changes, I also may not be as adventurous in the food category as I thought I was. 

I ordered shawarma after I threw the food away and could only eat half, along with the two chicken nuggets that came with it. I should probably start keeping track of my mood and eating and all of the things I so heartily prepared for. I’ve been questioning why I’m doing all of this and, in the shower, the one I took today, the one I’ve been talking about, I had a… thought. I wanted to go to college, I did that. I wanted to work at outdoor school, I did that. I wanted to live in another country, so I'm doing that. Now what? I still want to make an album, I still want to get married, I still want to be the best grandpa in the world. 

I was feeling hopeless about the future, like after this everything will be accomplished. Luckily, as you can see above, that’s not true. 24! If modern medicine takes a turn for the spectacular, that's only a quarter of my life. I always feel the need to balance it out with “I could die at any moment,” in which case, the future doesn’t FUCKing matter! 

I’m excited to start working and try out what I came here to do. I’m excited that if it sucks I’m going to go live at the beach yahoo. I’m excited and nervous and all of the feelings you all wonder about. They’re happening, baby. Life’s happening, baby.