John Pork

 Friday October 31st 2:19 pm 

I just finished up my last class of the day, my first Friday at SKR. Only one of my classes needs a seating chart so far. I got to bond with a couple students over music. One of them stayed after class to show me a Black Eyed Peas song yesterday so I played it today. She showed me “Rock Your Body,” and I wanted to show her “Boom Boom Pow” but I figured it would have a bigger impact if I played her song. 

Some students were pulling up some freaky meme that makes it look like a “John Pork” is calling. I almost teared up in fear. Though I of course found it quite funny. 

I’m noticing that some students have something about them that makes me instantly like them. I am wondering if it has something to do with their facial structure. I see the same things in these students that I saw in the ones I taught in America. Something about their personalities too. I’m wondering if face structure plays into personality. It’s made even more confusing that these students look different from the average student in America, yet they look so similar to me. 

I’m worried about what happens when my “grace period” is over. At least, no matter what behavior comes my way, I still have ten students less than I would in America. I got paid today, just for the first two weeks. I think I may have taken out too much baht and now I need to figure out how to get it back onto my card. 

My stomach was killing me this morning, I could feel the sweat forming on my forehead. Luckily it went away, after I ate more, imagine that. I think the rice hardened everything up. Now I’m worried about becoming constipated. Even the diarrhea I have now is hard to get out. 

I messaged a punk band that’s looking for a singer. Apparently you’re not supposed to perform here without a work permit. I’m tempted to take the risk. I want to dance around and scream on a stage. It would be a great way to spend my free time as well. I’m listening to them right now, it’s moshy enough, and the songs are pretty short. Their name is “Banana Brain Culture.” 

I’m mostly excited to go out for Halloween tonight. The only thing holding me back is the tiredness. I think once I get some tunes going and my costume on I will be READY. I bought a Red Bull last night in preparation. I’m a little sad I haven’t said “Happy Halloween” to anyone, I’ll get it out the next person who speaks to me. I missed a little kid dressed as a pumpkin and handing out candy. 

Here are the songs students showed me today: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L051YSpEEYU 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfhfpOre98k

Loy Krathong

 November 6th 1:18 pm 

Yesterday was Loy Krathong (maybe). Online it says the holiday is on the 15th. I think they celebrated it last night because of the full moon. 

I enjoyed it so much I almost cried. All of the khom loy were so beautiful. I saw a woman holding one of a dragon up to her forehead, praying intently as the incense covered her. All of them have candles and incense on them. I lit mine early and let it cover me. Ever since seeing the ritual of incense bathing in Japan I see value in it ritualistically. This was my chance to try it out. 

Khom loy 

    There were kids stationed in the river, ready to swim our khom loy into the current. They were so excited when they were the one chosen to do it. As I lit my candle I sang in my mind, “let go of the things you can’t control, feel the peace inside of your soul.” This is a song I wrote at a very scary time in my life, that calls to me through a time I consider another life. 

I tried to hand my khom loy to the boy as intentionally as I could. If I had it my way I would’ve gotten in and swam it out myself. He was just so excited to do it I couldn’t take that away from him. I also was very surprised to see people in that river and am not sure I’d survive its waters due to the years I have not spent building up a tolerance to it. 

My heart raced as I went through this whole process. It felt very meaningful. Control is something that I am constantly trying to release and at the same time grasp onto as tightly as I can. As I put the khom loy into that boy's hands, I was saying that I don’t need to be the one to do this. I can let others do what they want. I can decide how I react, I can live in this moment and not wish for another. 

As I rode to school the next day I let go of the back of the motorbike for the first time. I told myself, “you can’t always hang on.”

Moving In

  October 24th 9:44 pm BKK Time

I got very sick and then I moved into my apartment. I didn’t think that I’d be able to type on here without wifi, or maybe that was just some small excuse. Either way, I spent the whole day on the phone with Christian. I have from the moment I got sick. I’m sure we’ve talked for 10 hours straight at this point. 

I’m excited to fill up these blank walls. I like the small space because I feel capable of cleaning it. Maybe Christian and I should just live in studios across from each other. I’ve started to have some more scary thoughts, I think, or rather hope, it’s from the amount of time I’ve spent doing things differently than normal, like being on the phone constantly and staying inside of a 22 sq ft space for most of the day.

I often need to ask myself, “Why you? Why would that happen to you? Why would reality shift for you? What makes you so special?” or lyrically, “I must remind myself that I am very small, or else get caught up in the nightmare.” 

Luckily I looked down after my shower and saw blood oozing down my calf. I cut myself? That never happens. Well, it didn’t, really. I shaved off the top of a bug bite. Bug bite causer? Unknown. I wanted to believe that “hard water” is a hoax; how can something wet be hard? Then I felt my hands during my shower and understood. When I tried to ask my landlord about if the shower head had a filter, I gestured my arms around myself hard and she of course thought I meant the temperature.

I went to type “land lady” and did not like that. Is lord gendered? I guess it must be. I walked to the grocery store three times today because I kept forgetting things or realizing I needed them but do not fret. It's only a two minute walk. I got some food and threw it away, I’m really not hungry. I’m hoping and thinking it’s because of all the changes, I also may not be as adventurous in the food category as I thought I was. 

I ordered shawarma after I threw the food away and could only eat half, along with the two chicken nuggets that came with it. I should probably start keeping track of my mood and eating and all of the things I so heartily prepared for. I’ve been questioning why I’m doing all of this and, in the shower, the one I took today, the one I’ve been talking about, I had a… thought. I wanted to go to college, I did that. I wanted to work at outdoor school, I did that. I wanted to live in another country, so I'm doing that. Now what? I still want to make an album, I still want to get married, I still want to be the best grandpa in the world. 

I was feeling hopeless about the future, like after this everything will be accomplished. Luckily, as you can see above, that’s not true. 24! If modern medicine takes a turn for the spectacular, that's only a quarter of my life. I always feel the need to balance it out with “I could die at any moment,” in which case, the future doesn’t FUCKing matter! 

I’m excited to start working and try out what I came here to do. I’m excited that if it sucks I’m going to go live at the beach yahoo. I’m excited and nervous and all of the feelings you all wonder about. They’re happening, baby. Life’s happening, baby.

Dying and Living at the Mall