Sunday November 2nd 2:38 pm
I felt a little antsy when I woke up. I told myself that I could still have a slow wake up despite this and it's been really pleasant. I called my mom, told my brother happy birthday, and edited a video. Yesterday I stayed inside all day, today I’ll at least do my laundry (because I don’t have another option).
Going out on Friday was so fun. Some of it was overwhelming; the crowds, the same songs being played at most clubs, feelings of insecurity. Anytime a thought would come up I’d ask myself “Is this really what you want to be thinking about right now?” The answer would be no, and then I would focus on something else, like the music or the pretty lights.
One of the highlights of the night happened before we got to Khaosan road. Some Thai people were playing music and dancing around their food cart. Someone in our group started dancing too, and soon we were all dancing. They extended their hands to us and we touched and they told us Happy Halloween. As we were walking away someone said they were mourning their queen.
I never thought it would matter to me, I thought that I would feel the same about Thai people that I feel about anyone else. But whenever a Thai person acknowledged me I would get so excited. It felt like the popular kid was talking to me. I don’t want to be weird and treat Thai people like museum artifacts, or be curious about them like a doctor from the 1800’s. I’m trying to understand why it’s so exciting to talk to them.
Maybe it just feels like I’m fitting in when they talk to me. Like maybe I’m more than just a stranger.
A thought I had is that I want to be an “it” girl. That Jason Derulo song has been playing in my head for days. I want to be the center of attention and be comfortable with that spot. When I got to my colleagues apartment I went to the bathroom and told myself “You can do this. You can be bubbly. You can be fun.” And then I made sure to try my best to interject into conversations.
Lady Gaga said that she would act like she was famous well before she was. I want to be unapologetically myself. I still want to be balanced, I want to be who I want to be when I want to be. I’ve met some great, big, beautiful personalities here, and I’ve wondered if it’s just enough to live vicariously through those kinds of people. Or maybe, we can all have our moments.
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