Thursday December 11th 10:20 p.m.
Life is so silly. It makes sense that we laugh when a clown bonks his head. It reminds us that the unexpected constantly occurs. We feel safe because we know he didn’t really hurt himself. Still, we watched his face shift, his stance change, and we could imagine he felt something different than the moment before.
When I got home today and flicked on the light switch, nothing happened. My lamp didn’t turn on either, and the light in my fridge did not give a flicker. I accepted that my power was out when, alas, my eyes fell on my once green and now dull wifi router.
I texted, and I must admit, called my landlady. I’ve been asking her for weeks how to pay the bill. She told me she would work it out, so I went on with my night. I swam and played basketball. I know when I go home I should just join a gym, it’s just sad that it won’t be outside.
One of the kids, or men, I’m still not sure, was playing in slides and holey socks that his two largest toes escaped out of. I just thought that was funny, and it made it even more funny that he plays pretty well.
It was supposed to take 2-3 hours for my power to get turned back on. It probably did, but there happened to be a lack of communication. So by the time I was done exercising for my third hour that day, I still was under the impression that my power was out. Needless to say, I was peeved.
My first reaction to being peeved; I want to tell someone. I want to call or text someone and tell them what’s going on. Instead, I decided to tell myself what I would want someone else to tell me in this situation. I said, “I’m sorry, I know this is so frustrating. Any challenge, big or small, will help you grow. At this moment, you are becoming more adaptable.” Those aren’t the exact words but you get the point.
So I had all of these plans of what I would do when I got back; I’d read my book and charge my phone (in a plug somewhere in the building, sans my landlady’s advice). My plan beforehand was to come home and practice my songs, and I was bummed that that would have to wait, possibly til “Before 10 pm.” I really need to get some sleep tonight so that worried me. I thought I could just charge my phone and then practice in my warm, dark, dank, sulfurous chamber.
I felt better after my little pep talk. Someone didn’t hold the door for me when I got back to my apartment and that made me a little upset, and I told myself they must’ve been absorbed in whatever they were doing. Then I got in the elevator and dropped my Hydroflask on my toe, which I have never done before in all of my, what, 12 years of using them.
At this point I laughed, I laughed at all of the emotions I had gone through in the last 10 minutes. All of the rage, to comfort, to calm, to frustrated, to offended, to pain. When you acknowledge every bit of your experience, it all becomes so fleeting.
We say that change is a part of life; I think that motion is life. We cannot exist without the movement of a muscle, of signals, of blood. To think that we cannot feel or coexist with this motion is “blasphemous,” I don’t like that word and it felt right.
I am worried that I am entering another cycle that will lead me to great pain. I’m coming to a lot of conclusions that I did during my manic-possibly-drug-induced psychosis. At least I know that if it all comes crashing down again, I’m at least capable of surviving it.
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