Noodles and Bum Guns

 Monday October 20th 4:43pm BKK time 

First day of training today. I didn’t write anything last night, I don’t have a goal with this so I couldn’t get too upset about it. I had some strong feelings before bed that I didn’t want to forget. I’m trying to recall them, it had a lot to do with my lack of ability to make a decision, as most of the pains of my life do. 

People talk so much about how friendly it is here, how nice everyone is. I really haven’t experienced much different than I do back home. I did experience it when I got my haircut, someone held my neck cape closer to my neck to make sure it didn’t get on me while someone else washed off my hair. I had the best head massage of my life, to the point where I felt I’d rather that than a hour long full body one. 

I met up with a coworker and he told me more about what the job will be like. In my non teaching time I’ll be in an office with 39 other teachers. I won’t have my own classroom, the students will push me. I should just let them be on their phones, there’s not much I can do. A lot like being a substitute back home, which the length of time I’ll be here I might as well be. 

Trying to decide what apartment I want is stressful. I’m choosing one that is a 40 minute commute. I’ve never worked more than 20 minutes away from my house. Hopefully I can find joy in the activities I do during the ride, like reading or maybe even this. Most likely reading. 

I hate the niceties of getting to know people. All of the overly-smiley-laughing-along BLEH. I’ve met some cool people, don’t get me wrong. I think I just need to be confident in the fact of the people I already like and build connections with them. Though, I don’t want to push everyone else aside. Tough choices. Tomorrow I’m going to try to start conversations with people I’m interested in and not feel bad for not testing everyone out or talking to who my brain deems should be talked to. 

There’s an optional hangout today at 6, I’ll probably go because I’m already hungry and it’s close to my hotel. I ate an amazing bagel for lunch. Last night I ate my first bit of street food, I got a bag of meat and some noodles with roast duck and dumplings. I liked some of the skewers I got but others, each bite came with a little crunch that I, no, yeah no. Those were the ones she suggested too. 

Mind you, I thought I was just going to get food ordered to my hotel room. I was so tired. But as I exited the train I decided I would eat the first thing I saw, hence the bag of meat. There was a pink sausage I was curious about, hopefully I’ll be able to find it again. The noodles were 10 feet away and I figured I needed a carb. 

When the noodles came out to me I literally fell out of my stool. I landed on my butt on the ground. I really don’t know how it happened. It was really embarrassing and I’m glad the kid serving me could get a little laugh out of it, a very well hidden one, the kind that you only know is happening because of the truth of the eyes. 

The noodles were so good, I put the broth in a little late, after looking around to see what I was supposed to do with it. I love that aspect of being in another place, looking around for what to do like a baby. It’s the most novel that novel can get in our adult life. I’m holding in my pee because I only have the smallest roll of toilet paper I’ve ever seen and the spouts on the peepoo sprayers here and covered in black gunk that I want nowhere near my peepoo holes. 

I wrote a song today and I said in it that I want to go home. I talked a bit about how I was in isolation for a bit and started hanging out with friends recently and someone said, “And then you came overseas?” I want to be a friend to myself. I want to feel at home in my heart. I want to trust in myself, in the reality that I create with myself and others. I’m hoping that being away gives me ample opportunity to grow, and I’m happy to know I have people who will support me. Even though it can only be through a device.