Noodles and Bum Guns

 Monday October 20th 4:43pm BKK time 

First day of training today. I didn’t write anything last night, I don’t have a goal with this so I couldn’t get too upset about it. I had some strong feelings before bed that I didn’t want to forget. I’m trying to recall them, it had a lot to do with my lack of ability to make a decision, as most of the pains of my life do. 

People talk so much about how friendly it is here, how nice everyone is. I really haven’t experienced much different than I do back home. I did experience it when I got my haircut, someone held my neck cape closer to my neck to make sure it didn’t get on me while someone else washed off my hair. I had the best head massage of my life, to the point where I felt I’d rather that than a hour long full body one. 

I met up with a coworker and he told me more about what the job will be like. In my non teaching time I’ll be in an office with 39 other teachers. I won’t have my own classroom, the students will push me. I should just let them be on their phones, there’s not much I can do. A lot like being a substitute back home, which the length of time I’ll be here I might as well be. 

Trying to decide what apartment I want is stressful. I’m choosing one that is a 40 minute commute. I’ve never worked more than 20 minutes away from my house. Hopefully I can find joy in the activities I do during the ride, like reading or maybe even this. Most likely reading. 

I hate the niceties of getting to know people. All of the overly-smiley-laughing-along BLEH. I’ve met some cool people, don’t get me wrong. I think I just need to be confident in the fact of the people I already like and build connections with them. Though, I don’t want to push everyone else aside. Tough choices. Tomorrow I’m going to try to start conversations with people I’m interested in and not feel bad for not testing everyone out or talking to who my brain deems should be talked to. 

There’s an optional hangout today at 6, I’ll probably go because I’m already hungry and it’s close to my hotel. I ate an amazing bagel for lunch. Last night I ate my first bit of street food, I got a bag of meat and some noodles with roast duck and dumplings. I liked some of the skewers I got but others, each bite came with a little crunch that I, no, yeah no. Those were the ones she suggested too. 

Mind you, I thought I was just going to get food ordered to my hotel room. I was so tired. But as I exited the train I decided I would eat the first thing I saw, hence the bag of meat. There was a pink sausage I was curious about, hopefully I’ll be able to find it again. The noodles were 10 feet away and I figured I needed a carb. 

When the noodles came out to me I literally fell out of my stool. I landed on my butt on the ground. I really don’t know how it happened. It was really embarrassing and I’m glad the kid serving me could get a little laugh out of it, a very well hidden one, the kind that you only know is happening because of the truth of the eyes. 

The noodles were so good, I put the broth in a little late, after looking around to see what I was supposed to do with it. I love that aspect of being in another place, looking around for what to do like a baby. It’s the most novel that novel can get in our adult life. I’m holding in my pee because I only have the smallest roll of toilet paper I’ve ever seen and the spouts on the peepoo sprayers here and covered in black gunk that I want nowhere near my peepoo holes. 

I wrote a song today and I said in it that I want to go home. I talked a bit about how I was in isolation for a bit and started hanging out with friends recently and someone said, “And then you came overseas?” I want to be a friend to myself. I want to feel at home in my heart. I want to trust in myself, in the reality that I create with myself and others. I’m hoping that being away gives me ample opportunity to grow, and I’m happy to know I have people who will support me. Even though it can only be through a device.

First Night Out

 Sunday October 19 12:13 am BKK Time

I rode my first motorbike, as a taxi. Not because I needed to, because I wanted to, because I knew it was an inevitability. I watched as the photographs of monarchs passed by, as I passed a square shaped precisely like one of my favorites in Italy. I felt the wind, cool for once, all over my body, and the rush of knowing I am uninsured. 

I saw a woman alone in a tuk tuk and rethought my decision for a moment. There I was, holding loosely to a strange man who I had trusted to join by the way he held his cigarette and leaned on his bike. He didn’t offer me a helmet, I asked for it. I told him it was my first time riding a bike and he made no comment. 

        I’m drunk enough that I made this decision and drunk enough that I felt like I was flying. Drunk enough to know that I was safe enough, drunk enough to know it was time for me to leave Khaosan Road. My new colleagues all seem to be here for the similar reasons.

        I bought a new phone case, I walked down a couple of alleys, and a row of six people held signs up in front of me that read “laughing gas.” I think too much about what my actions mean and whether or not I should commit them. Overall the evening was pleasant, a perfect introduction to Thailand. 

Someone told me that she knew she wanted to live here from the moment she stepped foot. I knew before I got off the plane that I’m just passing through. It makes me feel slightly guilty, like a fraud in a land that is neither great nor awful to me. I just already know my home. I fear that coming here means “I can never go back,” and if it does, then to hell with trying. We should all be allowed to go home.

        I want to add that I went and watched Muay Thai. The beers were free and the fighting was beautiful. The fighters were doused in water before each round so that droplets flew and cascaded through the air around them. My colleague and I made it on the big screen a couple of times, my favorite being the dance cam. Fun fact: they don't do kiss cams in the UK.

The Start of a Journey

 

Nerves

 Saturday, October 18 2025 5:54 a.m. Taiwan Time 

I’m sitting outside of an American themed cafe in Taiwan. Taipei airport, where all the same goods can be found as anywhere else I’ve been, with the Asian addition of copious amounts of Sanrio items. I found one of Christian’s hairs on my laptop and have been singing “I Will Survive" to deal with the uncertainty. 

The first text I read when I landed was “Are you nervous?” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this in the past months. That, along with mentions of death, and even a good ol’, “Do you think this will break you or make you stronger?” Of course, people ask me if I’m excited, and that is normally followed up with one of the prior comments. 

At first I wasn’t bothered by these questions, I thought it made sense. Or at least, I thought they were just saying what we’re taught to say to someone in my situation. Now I wonder why these are the things we’re supposed to say.

People did tell me they were excited and/or nervous for me, so I wonder if the question is a projection of those feelings. I just think it’s quite obvious that I would be nervous and excited, so I don’t see why people feel the need to ask. Or to take it even further and bring up death, natural disasters, kidnappings. 

I’ve gotten some good advice and I am not upset about the things people have said to me. I am an easily tipped off person, if someone tells me some awful possibility it will live in my mind and eat away at me. That’s something I need to work out within myself. 

Still, I’m not sure if it’s helpful to anyone to get off of a plane and see, “Are you nervous?” Maybe it feels like I have to say yes. Which makes me want to say yes less.

         The honest truth is yes, I am always nervous. Every time I drive I’m nervous. Every time I go out I’m nervous. Hell, I’m nervous to respond to this text. At least now I get to be nervous somewhere else, living out a new experience, and hopefully gaining some independence from the same ol’ fears.

P.S. If you said any of these things to me I am not upset! I love you and really do appreciate your concern, and the fact that you thought of me.